
T.^.DENISON & COWPANY CHICAdO 



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DENISONIS ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, Zy^ hrs.. (25c) 8 8 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1J4 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(2Sc) 4 4 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2J^ 

hrs = (25c) 7 4 

Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 4 5 
As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2J4 hrs (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (2Sc) 8 5 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

College Town, 3 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. 

(25c) 17 14 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs. . 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 2\i hrs (2Sc) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 214 

hrs v25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (2Sc) 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1 J4 h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1 Yz hrs. 

(25c) 7 6 

Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fascinators, 40 min (25c) 13 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

n/z hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2^4 

hrs (2Sc) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs. . (25c) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, 1*4 hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2'4 hrs (25c) 6 12 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2^ h..(25c) 9 4 



Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2}^ hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr. (25c)13 
Lonelyville Social C\\ih, 3 acts, 

lyi hrs. (25c) 10 

Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 2 

Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2Yz 

hrs (25c) 9 5 

Mirandy's Minstrels. . . . (25c) Optnl. 
New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr. . . . 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, Wz hrs.(2Sc) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sr-\ 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

1>4 hrs (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2J^ hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 254 

hrs ^...(2Sc)10 12 

School Ma'am, 4 acts, 154 hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs. . 6 6 
Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2^2 h. 8 3 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 

Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Tony, The Convict, 5 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 
Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2!4 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trip to Storvland, 1 J4 hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 214 hrs. (25c) 8 .3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts. 2^ hrs.(:?*;c) S 3 
Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 
Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 

Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 
Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 



T. S. DEN I SON & CO M PAN Y, Publishers ,154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



PARLOR MATCHES 



AN ENGAGING COMEDY OF SOCIETY 
IN TWO ACTS 



BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF 

'A College Town," "A Rustic Romeo," "Aaron Boggs, Fresh- 
man," "The Fascinators," "Savageland," "Macbeth a la 
Mode, "A Southern Cinderella" "Mrs. 
Tubbs of Shantytown," Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



PARLOR MATCHES 



CHARACTERS. 

Vance Trelford A Professional Hero, 

IV ho Doesn't IVant to be Engaged 

Don R adey His Cousin , 

A Serious Young Man, Engaged, Thank You 

Ferdinand Poppleton A Frivolous 

Young Man, Likczvise Engaged 

]0RKES...The Butler, Who May or May Not be Engaged 

Mrs. Seltoon Who Believes in Engagements 

Margaret Seltoon 

Her Elder Daughter, Engaged to Mr. Radcy 

Suzanne Seltoon 

. . .Her Younger Daughter, Engaged to Mr. Poppleton 
Gail Laurence 

Her Ward, Engaging and Eventually Engaged 

Abigail Mullen. A. B 

Her Maid, Temporarily Engaged, as it Were 



Time — The Month of June. 



Place — Solitaire Villa, Dovecote, A Suburb of the Oranges 



Time of Playing— One and One-half Hours. 



Act I — Living room at Mrs. Seltoon's suburban home, 
ten o'clock on a morning in June. Hearts are trumps. Gail 
announces her engagement. 

Act H — Same scene, same day, at 6:30 p. m. Hearts still 
trumps. Gail announces Mr. Trelford's engagement. 



COPYRIGHT, 1915, BY EBEN IT. NORRIS. 

2 
©CI.D 40162 

vlAH24iaib ^/;/ 



P5 3^l5 

,'^57r)p3 PARLOR AfATCMES. 3 

* SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I — A morning in June at Solitaire Villa, Dovecote, 
a suburb of the Oranges. Mrs. Seltoon smooths out the 
course of true love. Count Ronaldo and Lady Clementina. 
"Whoever heard of a grass widow playing a heroine in a 
love scene?" "Oh, it's one of the best things they do." 
Mrs. Seltoon seeking a man for her niece. "What is his 
yearly income?" The butler's opinion of a woman A. B. 
"Near-sighted, men's shoes, short bedrabbled skirts, last 
year's hat and a banner saying Votes for Women!" The 
new maid who is a graduate from the Splinterville Nor- 
mal. The moving picture hero. "Women make me ner- 
vous, I always keep out of their way." Symptoms of hydro- 
phobia. "I bark, bow-wow-wow !" "His father is in oil 
and vinegar." "Is it a new kind of a bath?" Ferdy flirts 
with the new maid and is rebuked by Gail. Gail announces 
her engagement to the moving picture hero. "He's here in 
town !" "Fall. O walls, and crush me !" 

Act II — A dinner party. Suzanne determines to break 
her engagement with Ferdy. "I'll receive him with a frigidity 
that will make him shrivel into nothing." Ferdy decides to 
enlist in the army. A reconciliation. Abigail and Adri^m 
Lee of the movies. "Those eyes, that nose, it's him!" "I've 
seen you propose in' white flannels, in feathers, in full even- 
ing clothes, in a sailor suit, and in the garbage of a monk, 
and every time you've won her in the end." Gail and her 
fiancee. That odious Mr. Trelford. Dinner is served. 
Vance Trelford learns that he is engaged. "I expected it 
all along." "Yes, I begin to think that I did it myself." 



THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 

This little comedy of society life has to do with the 
match-making proclivities of Mrs. Seltoon of Solitaire Villa, 
Dovecote, a suburb of the Oranges. Having arranged sat- 
isfactory matches for her two daughters, Mrs. Seltoon 
turns her attention to her niece, Gail Laurence, a girl just 
graduated from college. A Mr. Trelford from New York 



-/, 



4 PARLOR MATCHES. 

is visiting in the suburb and Mrs. Seltoon decides that he 
would make an excellent fiance for Gail. Trelford is a 
moving picture matinee idol playing under the name of-. 
Adrian Lee, and he has little love for the fair sex. He, 
allows his cousin to bring him to Solitaire Villa to meet 
Gail, but mistaking an uncouth maid for Miss Laurence, 
he flees in terror. 

Ferdinand Poppleton, the fiance of Mrs. Seltoon's 
younger daughter, mistakes Gail for the new maid and 
embarrasses her with his attentions. Gail, thinking he is 
the Mr. Trelford picked out for her, is in desperate straights. 
To avoid the supposed Trelford she rashly announces that 
she is already engaged to Adrian Lee, the moving picture 
star. 

In the second act a dinner party is in progress at the Villa, 
and, to the dismay of Gail, Mr. Adrian Lee is announced. 
Gail is at her wit's end to know how to straighten out the 
tangle, as she has announced her engagement to a man she 
has never seen. She tries to explain matters to him saying 
that she was forced to announce her engagement to him in 
order to escape the unwelcome attentions of Mr. Trelford. 
Much to her dismay she learns that the handsome Mr. Lee 
and the unwelcome Mr. Trelford are one and the same 
person. 

The love tilts between Suzanne Seltoon and Ferdinand, 
the dignity of Jorkes, the butler, and the romantic tenden- 
cies of Abigail, Mullen, the maid with a college education, 
afiford a well developed series of subsidiary plots. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Mrs. Seltoon — Handsome summer afternoon gown with 
slightly trailing skirt. On second entrance she wears auto 
hat, veil and coat. Act II, trailing dinner gown, rather 
elaborate. Lorgnettes. Hair powdered. Play the part with 
ease as a cultured woman of society. Age forty-five. 

Margaret — Costumes similar to Mrs. Seltoon's. Age 
twenty-two. 

Suzanne — Hair down in curls. Ingenue costumes suit- 



PARLOR MATCHES. 5 

able for summer afternoon wear and for a dinner party. 
Age eighteen. 

Gail — Pretty traveling dress, wrap and hat. Neat fancy 
apron for Margaret to give Gail. In Act II elaborate white 
evening dress cut en traine. Red roses in Act II. Age 
nineteen. 

Abigail — Make-up very plain with hair worn in eccen- 
tric manner, probably drawn straight back and made into 
a tight knob. Roughen the eyebrows by lining with grease 
paint, drawing the paint across the brows from the outer 
part toward nose. One front tooth may be covered with 
black grease paint (first dry the tooth thoroughly, then 
apply black grease paint hot). Eccentric travehng dress, 
cloak and hat. White stockings and large mannish shoes. 
Large old-fashioned satchel, umbrella and reticule. Wears 
old-fashioned spectacles at all times. In Act II she wears 
old-fashioned dress of bright colors, gaudy hat, folded hand- 
kerchief attached to front of dress with safety pin. 

Vance — Act I : Summer suit, straw hat. small mustache. 
Act II : Full dress complete. No mustache. Age twenty-six. 

Don — Act I : Summer suit, straw hat. Act II : Full 
dress. Age twenty-four. 

POPPLETON- — Act I : Elaborate summer suit, extreme 
fashions. Monocle, etc. Act II : Full dress, white rose on 
coat, monocle. 

JoRKES — Dress suit with gold stripe down trousers and 
around cufifs. Brass buttons on coat. Low collar and black 
bow tie. Make-up stout, with ruddy face and sideburns 
and eyebrows to match hair. Very slow and dignified. 
Age forty. 

PROPERTIES. 

Piano up L. Easy chair down R. Table down L. C. with 
easy chairs. A small desk, parlor lamp, draperies, carpet, 
fur rugs, pictures, palms, etc. Lorgnettes, embroidery and 
magazines for Mrs. Seltoon. Red roses for Margaret. 
Satchel, umbrella, recticule, spectacles for Abigail. Monocle 
and white rose for Poppleton. 



PARi^OR MATCHES. 



Scene Plot. 



Entrance to Garden 



T 



-I entrance I- 
to Street 



llLamp'' MsJ — kill Piano with Stool 




Chair ^I^^^I^Chairj- 



N M Easy Chair 

Carpet and Fur Rugs on Stage. /-^^d 

X Palms Pictures on Wall Tete-a-Tete ^ 
^XX Palms X 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



R. means right of the stage; C. center; R. C, right cen- 
ter; L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; 
R. 3 E.J right entrance up stage, etc.; R. D., right door; 
L. D., left door, etc. : up stage, away from footlights ; down 
stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing 
the audience. 



PARLOR MATCHES 



Act I. 



Scene: ^1 room iu Mrs. Seltoon's suburban home. This 
apartment is cJiarmingly furnished in modern, elegant style. 
Entrances R. {to garden), L. {to dining-room) and C. {to 
street.). Piano tip L. Easy chair doiun R. Table doivn 
L. C. with easy chairs, a small desk, parlor lamp, draper- 
ies, etc., to dress stage. Note: In the original production 
the furniture zvas white zvicker ivork and all hangings and 
draperies of old gold silk, making a very attractive setting. 
Time : lo a. m. 

Mrs. Seltoon discovered seated at R. working on a small 
embroidery frame. After curtain is up, Jorkes otters from 
L. and comes stiffly to C. and stands facing Mrs. S. 

Mrs. S. How long you have 'been, Jorkes! I have waited 
for you quite twenty minutes. {Seated at R. busy witJi em- 
broidery frame.) 

Jorkes. I was answering the telephone, ma'am. It was 
the employment agency. 

Mrs. S. Well, what did they say? Am I or am I not to 
have a maid sent today? 

Jorkes. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. {sharply). Don't he amhiguous. Jorkes. I hate 
ambiguity. 

Jorkes. Yes, ma'am. The young person will be here in 
an hour. 

Mrs. S. I hope she will suit. It was simply intolerable in 
Nellie leaving just as my ward was coming. Did you tell 
her that she must do the rooms and assist in the dining- 



room 



Jorkes. I told the agency, ma'am. They said she was 
quite a superior young person. 

7 



8 PARI,OR MATCHES. 

Mrs. S. When she comes explain her duties to her im- 
mediately. And tell cook that we will have seven for lunch. 

JoRKES. Yes, ma'am. {Starts L.) 

Mrs. S. And Jorkes. {He returns to C. ) Tell Pierre 
to bring the large car around. I'm to meet my niece at the 
station at ten. 

Jorkes {starts to L.). Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. Jorkes. {He returns.) Don't be in such a hurry. 
Get out some volumes of the encyclopedia and put them on 
the library table. My niece is a college graduate and I want 
her to feel at home. 

Jorkes. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. And put some red roses in her room and open 
the windows. The tower room on the second floor. 

Jorkes. I will attend to it personally, ma'am. [Starts 
to L.) 

Mrs. S. Jorkes, where is Suzanne? 

Jorkes {coming to C). Carn't say as to that, ma'am. 
Mr. Poppleton is here, ma'am. I think they're in the gar- 
den, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. When the new maid arrives send her to me at 
once. And tell cook to be very careful of the luncheon. 
My niece may be particular. That will be all, I think. 

Jorkes. Yes, ma'am. {Starts to L.) 

Mrs. S. And Jorkes. {He returns.) There was some- 
thing else, but it has escaped me for the present. That 
will do. 

Jorkes. Yes, ma'am. {He exits L. zvith dignity.) 

Suzanne {outside R.). Come in. We'll leave it to mother. 

Poppleton {outside R.). But I was only doing what I 
thought best. 

Suzanne {outside R.). Mother shall decide. 

Enter from R. Suzanne in an excited manner, followed 
by Poppleton, who is striving to persuade her to keep calm. 

Poppleton. But, Suzanne, it says in the book — {at L.) 
Suzanne. It may say so in the book, but you carry it 
to extremes. {At C.) 
Popp. But you know — 



PARLOR MATCHES. 9 

Mrs. S. So early in the morning, my dears? What's the 
trouble now? (At R.) 

Popp. Suzanne insists that I am — 

Suzanne (speaking at the same time). lie's perfectly 
dreadful, mother — 

Mrs. S. One at a time. What is it, Suzanne? 

Suzanne. It's in the amateur play. I went to the re- 
hearsal last night, and it's perfectly awful the way Ferdi- 
nand makes love to Mrs. Lawson. 

Popp. But I can't help it, can I ? It's all in the book, you 
know. 

Suzanne. Everyone in town is talking about it. 

Popp. But, my dear. Count Ronaldo has to make love 
to Lady Clementina or there can be no play. 

Suzanne. I don't object to that. Of course I'm not that 
silly. It's the way you do it. And then why on earth did 
they ask Mrs. Lawson to play Clementina? She's entirely 
too old, and a grass widow in the bargain. Whoever heard 
of a grass widow playing a heroine in a love scene? 

Popp. Oh, they do it frequently. In fact, it's one of the 
very best things they do. 

Mrs. S. Ferdinand, I'm astonished! (Stares at him 
through lorgnettes.) 

Suzanne. And so am I. How is it that you are an 
authority on grass widows, I'd like to know? 

Popp. Oh, it's only hearsay, my dear ; only hearsay. 

Mrs. S. I think Suzanne is quite right. It strikes me, 
Ferdy, that you do show too much ardor in your scenes 
with Clementina. 

Suzanne. I should think so. The whole town is talking 
about it. 

Mrs. S. I don't see why you allowed yourself to be per- 
suaded to appear in amateur theatricals, Ferdinand 'f It's 
all very well for a young and frivolous boy to play parts, 
but you are a serious young man about to be married. 
(Seated at R. busy with her embroidery.) 

Suzanne. My ideas exactly, mamma. (At C.) 

Mrs. S. Suzanne, you should have played Clementina 
yourself. 



10 PARL®R MATCHES. 

Suzanne. I wish now I had. 

Popp. But I can't back out now. It comes off next Week 
And, as a matter of fact, I can't stand Mrs. Lawson 
(At L.) 

Mrs. S. Don't you think you could tone down your ardor 
a httle, Ferdy? In your scenes with her, I mean. 

Popp. Can't say. I'm sure. I'm ahvays carried away 
when I'm playing a part. Just like Booth or Sothern I 
always lose myself in my part. How did you like that 
tragic climax in the second act, Suzanne? The one where 
I have to shout, "Fall, O walls, and crush me ! Down, O 
skies, and bury me beneath your azure deeps !" (Gestures.) 

Suzanne. Lovely. You're perfectly terrific in that 
scene. You were born to be a tragic star, Ferdy. 

Popp. I think myself I'm pretty good. 

Suzanne. You're splendid. But please don't give the 
audience the impression that you're really in love with Mrs. 
Lawson. 

Popp. I won't. You know I'm not. There's only one girl 
on earth that I'm really in love with, Suzanne. 

Suzanne. We'll finish the rehearsal in the summer 
house. I'm afraid we are bothering mamma. You can re- 
hearse to me and I'll play Clementina myself. Come on. 

Mrs. S. Don't forget that Gail is coming in this morn- 
ing. You are to stay to lunch with us, Ferdy, and meet her. 

Suzanne. Yes, she's the dearest thing. Just graduated 
from college. 

Popp. Delighted, I'm sure. (Exit R. 7cit!i Suzanne.) 

Enter Jorkes from C. He stands at C. 

Torres (announcing). Mr. Radey, ma'am. (Exit C.) 

Enter Don Radey frorn C. 

Don. Good morning, Mrs. Seltoon. 

Mrs. S. (shaking hands). Good morning, Don. You got 
my message? 

Don. Yes. You're looking awfully well this morning. 

Mrs. S. Flatterer. Sit down. My niece is coming in this 
morning. You are to lunch with us. I want to show her 



PARLOR MATCHES. 11 

what fine young men I've picked out as future sons-in- 
law. (Seated R.) 

Don. Thank you. (Seated C.) 

Mrs. S. She's to Hve with us, you know. An orphan. 
Just graduated with high honors in Greek. Imagine it, 
Greek! Whatever good will Greek do her? When I was a 
young lady, going to college was considered rather indeli- 
cate, to say the least. A little French and a little music 
were all very well; but Greek! I was the youngest of six 
sisters, and every last one of us married before she was 
twenty. And we didn't know Greek from PTindoo. 

Don. It does seem rather odd. I mean, a girl going in 
for Greek and all that sort of thing. 

Mrs. S. And athletics. She plays golf and tennis. And 
maybe football, too, for all I know. Thank goodness my 
daughters never went to college. 

Don. I've never known any college girls very well. 

Mrs. S. You may consider yourself very fortunate. Do 
sit still, Don, and don't fidget. Margaret will be down pres- 
ently and I'm not going to eat you. My niece is an orphan, 
a wealthy orphan. Mr. Seltoon is her guardian and she is 
to make her future home with us. My, what a responsi- 
bility. And just as my own daughters have announced their 
engagements. (Slii^ht pause.) Now I've considered every 
eligible man in the town twice over, but they won't do. 

Don. Won't do? Won't do what? 

Mrs. S. Don't be stupid, Don. Won't do for Gail. How 
long has your cousin been visiting you? 

Don. Since last Thursday. 

Mrs. S. Why haven't you brought him over to call? I 
know Margaret is anxious to .meet some of your relatives. 
I knew his mother when she was a girl and lived here, but 
I haven't seen her in years. You must bring him over. 

Don. I will some time. 

Mrs. S. Don't put it ofif too long. 

Don. Well — er — Vance — you see he's quite an old bach- 
elor. He doesn't care for ladies. 

Mrs. S. How old? 

Don. He must be twentv-six, at least. 



12 TARi^OR MATCHES. 

Mrs. S. And Gail is nineteen. Why, he's just in the 
bloom of youth. What is his yearly income? 

Don. I'm afraid I don't know. About two or three thou-' 
sand, I believe. 

Mrs. S. Excellent. Is he steady? 

Don. Oh, awfully steady. He has no bad habits. 

Mrs. S. And lives in New York? That sounds suspicious. 

Don. He's rather retiring, you know. He never goes into 
society and seems perfectly miserable whenever ladies are 
around. 

Mrs. S. I've met that sort. They generally fall the quick- 
est when they fall at all. What business is he in? 

Don (confused). Business? He's a — er — er — he's in the 
producing business. His father is R. R. Trelford, Oil and 
Vinegar. 

Mrs. S. (satisfied). In the produce business. And owns 
his own touring car. Margaret said. Has he any property? 
Not that I am inquisitive, you know. 

Don. Oh, not at all. Yes, I think he has considerable 
property. 

Mrs. S. Excellent. You must bring him over to lunch 
today. 

Don. Today? I'm afraid he won't come. He goes out 
so seldom. 

Mrs. S. Margaret and I are going to meet Gail at the 
station and Ave'll drive you home. You must bring him 
right back with you. Tell him your future wife and moth- 
er-in-law want to make his acquaintance. 

Don. I'll do my best, but I can't promise. 

Mrs. S. Is he good looking? 

Don. Yes, I think he is. Awfully good looking. (Seri- 
ously.) Looks a little bit like me. A sort of family likeness. 

Mrs. S. I wonder why he is so timid about women. I 
hope he hasn't had any past love affairs. No disappoint- 
ments or anything like that? 

Don. Oh, no. I can answer for that. Vance and I have 
been chums since we were kids. He always tells me 
everything. 

Mrs. S. My niece Gail has quite a little fortune in her 



PARLOR MATCHES. 13 

own right. Twenty or thirty thousand I should say. And 
she is a perfect dear. Only nineteen, and a bachelor of arts. 
For my part, I always mistrust a female bachelor of arts, 
but when I saw Gail last year. I found her perfectly charm- 
ing. She would make an ideal wife. Is Mr. Trelford going 
to stay with you long? 

Don. About a month, I believe. 

Enter Margaret from L. She comes behind Don and 
puts her hands over his eyes. 

Margaret. Guess who! 

Don. As if I could mistake. Margaret. 

Margaret {sits on arm of his cJiair). Right. 

Don. Looking awfully sweet this morning. Marge. 

Margaret. Notice any improvement since last night? 

Don. Last night you were perfect and there can be no 
improvement on perfection. 

Margaret. You read that in a book. 

Enter Jorkes from L. 

Jorkes (at door L.). The car is ready, ma'am. (Exit L.) 

Mrs. S. (rises). Come, dear. Don will excuse us while 
we get our things. 

Don. Certainly. (Rises.) 

Mrs. S. He is going with us part way. To invite Mr. 
Trelford to lunch. (Exit L.) 

Margaret. Is he really coming? 

Don. I'll do my best to bring him. 

Margaret. He must be a perfect old bear. 

Don. Not at all. He's the finest fellow in the world. 

Margaret. All but one ! , 

Mrs. S. (outside L.). Come. Margaret. 

Margaret (rises and crosses to L.). Coming, mamma. 
(Exit after blozving a kiss to Don.) 

Enter Suzanne and Poppleton in time to see kiss. 
Suzanne. Oh, we saw yon. Perfectly shocking. 
Popp. That's so. Awfully imprudent. Never can tell 
who's going to catch a thing like that. 
Don. Hello, where have you two been? 



14 PAftLOR MATCHES. 

Suzanne. Rehearsing for the play. 

Don. I didn't know you were in it. 

Suzanne. Oh, I'm not. I was only showing Ferdy how 
to make love. 

Don. As if he needed instruction. 

Popp. You ought to hear me in the second act. I've got 
a great tragic scene, "Fall, O walls, and crush me! Down, 
O skies, and bury me beneath your azure deeps!" {Ges- 
tures.) 

Suzanne. Isn't that grand ? 

Don. Simply perfect. I'll bet the walls zvill fall. 

Suzanne. I think Ferdy would make a perfectly ador- 
able Romeo. He's every bit as good as Faversham. 

Enter Mrs. S. and Margaret zvearing hats and auto 
coats and veils. 

Margaret. Ready, Don? 

Don. Yes, come on. 

Mrs. S. Do you want to come along, Suzanne? 

Suzanne. Oh, no. We're going to rehearse the third act. 

Mrs. S. We'll be back in fifteen minutes if the train's 
on time. (Exit C, folloived by Margaret and Don.) 

Suzanne. I wonder what my cousin will be like. I've 
never seen her. 

Popp. Charming, I'm sure. It runs in the family. 

Suzanne. I wonder. She's awfully bright. Stood at the 
head of her graduating class and talks Greek just like 
English. 

Popp. Good gracious. I won't know what to say to her. 

Suzanne. Oh, you won't have to talk Greek, you know. 

Popp. I hope not. Let's finish the rehearsal. You take 
the book and try me on the third act. 

Suzanne. Let's go back to the garden. Jorkes might 
think we were having a tragedy here in the house. Come 
on. (Exits R. folloived by Popp.) 

Enter Jorkes from L., carrying tzvo or three large books. 

Jorkes (placing books on table). There's the cyclopeedys 
and a fine showing they make. So the new young lady is a 
college A. B. is she? I wonder what an A. B. is? I know the 



PARLOR MATCHES. 15 

kind. Near-sighted, men's shoes, short bedraggled skirts, 
last year's hat and a banner saying "Votes for Women." 
Heaven's, what a life we'll lead. And to think that she is 
Mrs. S.'s own niece and a cousin to our young ladies. Aw- 
ful, perfectly awful. 

Enter Abigail from C. 

Abigail. Good morning. 

JORKES. Good heavens! It's her! (Down L.) 

Abigail. The door was opened and I entered uncere- 
moniously. Is Mrs. Seltoon in? (Down C.) 

JoRKES. No, miss ; not at this moment. She has gone 
over to the station to meet you with the large car, miss. 
You must have arrived sooner than was expected. 

Abigail. How extremely considerate of Mrs. Seltoon. 
My train was on time, but presumably she was a trifle tardy, 
as it were. 

JoRKES. Yes, miss Would you care to go to your room, 
or would you prefer to wait here? 

Abigail. I'll wait here, if you have no objection. 

JoRKES. Not the slightest in the world, miss. If you re- 
move your hat and cloak you'll be more comfortable. 

Abigail. Thank you. You are so very, very considerate. 

JoRKES. Always try to be hobliging, miss. Shall I take 
them to your room, miss? 

Abigail. In a moment. You're the butler, aren't you? 

JoRKES. Yes, miss. Name of Jorkes. Emanuel Jorkes. 

Abigail. How very outre! I've never seen a real live 
butler before. Tres chic, nicht wahr? 

Jorkes ipnsdcd). Yes, miss, I think so myself. 

Abigail. I'm Abigail. 

Jorkes. I suspected as much, miss. 

Abigail. How long have you been here, Mr. Jorkes? 

Jorkes. Matter of seven years. 

Abigail. You must like the place. 

Jorkes. Oh, yes, indeed. 

Abigail. How many afternoons ofif a week? 

Jorkes (puzzled). Two, miss. You are interested in so- 
cial conditions, I take it, miss. 



16 PABfLOR MATCHES. 

Abigail. Yes. I'm a graduate from the Splinterville 
Normal. I expect to teach next year, but will stay here 
during the summer. That is, if Mrs. S. treats me right. 

JoRKES. Mrs. Seltoon is generosity itself personified. 

Abigail. Where is my room to be? I'm very particular 
about my room. 

JoRKES. Second story, front, in the tower with the bay 
window, miss. 

Abigail. That will do admirably. How very kind of Mrs. 
S. I suppose she'll allow me to play the piano once in a 
while, just to keep in practice. 

JoRKES. I haven't a doubt of it, miss. 

Abigail. And the library. I must have access to the 
library. I always make it a point to study six hours, after 
my other duties are accomplished. 

JoRKES. Yes, miss. I'll take your things up now, miss. 

Abigail. What a hurry you are in. Don't you like to 
talk to me ? Most men are not so entirely impervious to me, 
Mr. Jorkes. (Comes toward him, gushingly; he backs 
azvay. ) 

JoRKES. I ain't impervious at all, miss. Hindeed, I ain't. 

Abigail. Not a married man, I take it? 

JoRKES. Oh, no, miss ; perfectly single and hunhattached. 

Abigail. Just like myself. Isn't it a coincident? 

Jorkes. Yes, miss, that's just what I was about to re- 
mark myself. 

Abigail. What congenial times we shall have. 

Jorkes. Mrs. Seltoon is very particular, miss. 

Abigail. Oh, what she doesn't know, won't disturb her 
ladyship. Will it? 

Jorkes (stiffly). ■ I'm sure I carn't say, miss. But I must 
take your things up now. 

Abigail. Oh, very well, then, if you're in such a hurry 
Adieu, then, until anon. 

Jorkes. Adoo, miss, adoo. 

Abigail. Wait a minute.. You may show me to tlie 
rooms. I think I'll get ready for lunch. 

Jorkes. Yes, miss. This way, miss. (Exit L.) 



PARLOR MATCHES. 17 

Abigail. Very well, Mr. Jorkes. Well, being- a hired 
girl isn't going to Jae so bad, after all. (Exit L.) 

Enter from C. Don, followed by Vance Trelford. 

Don. I say, old man, it's awfully good of you to do this 
for me. Honest it is. I know you don't like female society 
and all that. 

Vance {dozvn L.). You're right. I don't. 

Don {dozvn C). But this is just like the family, you 
know. Margaret and I are to be married in June, and next 
summer you can visit us in our own home. 

Vance. I'm afraid not. Our moving-picture company 
is going to Naples next summer. 

Don. You don't know what you'll miss. Margaret is a 
perfect gem. You can't help liking her. 

Vance. There's another sister, isn't there? (Sits at C.) 

Don. Oh, you needn't be afraid of that. She's engaged, 
too. To Poppy. They're to be married in the fall. 

Vance. Any others about? (Sits L. C.) 

Don. Mrs. Seltoon, the mother. Her husband is in Ber- 
muda. 

Vance. No old maid aunts, or anything Hke that? 

Don. What a woman-hater you are. No, I'll answer for 
the old maid aunts. 

Vance. I don't hate women, Don; they only make me 
nervous. I always keep out of their way. 

Don. And yet you make love in the pictures like a 
Romeo. 

Vance. That's business. Besides I scarcely know the 
names of half the ladies in the company. Most of them 
are married. And they all understand and let me alone 
It's the girls who come to see the shows that worry me. 

Don. The matinee maidens? 

Vance. Yes. They seem to have picked me out for their 
especial prey. Not a day passes but I get the slushiest let- 
ters. I never see them any more. My man always burns 
them. (Disgustedly.) And they send me candy! And silly 
flowers and their photographs. It's awful. 

Don. a moving picture hero is always their idol. 



18 PARLOR MATCHES. 

Vance. Are you sure that no one here knows I am 
Adrian Lee? Don, for goodness sake, dpn't let it leak out. 
Let me have one month of quiet and seclusion. 

Don. I haven't said a word. I told them you were in 
the producing business and they think you run a wholesale 
grocery or something like that. 

Vance. Look there! {Points to table.) 

Don. What is it? 

Vance. The June Picture Magazine. (Takes it up.) 
Look, my picture! They are sure to recognize me. I'm 
going home. 

Don (looking at picture). Adrian Lee. Why, it doesn't 
look anything in the world like you. Your mustache is a 
perfect disguise. I wouldn't know you myself in the picture. 

Vance. I don't think it's safe to stay. 

Don. Nonsense. I've promised, you know. 

Vance. How soon can we get away after lunch? 

Don. Oh, we're going to have a picnic this afternoon. 
In Woody Glen. 

Vance. Not me. I'm going fishing. 

Don. Oh, come, now ; be a good fellow. I want you to 
get acquainted with my family elect. You're sure to like 
them. 

Vance. A picnic in the Glen. With two engaged couples. 
I suppose I'm to entertain the mother? 

Don. Oh, no ; she's not going. 

Vance. Then you and your fiancee will stroll one way, 
and Poppy and his fiancee will stroll another way, and I'll 
be left alone to entertain the lunch basket. 

Don. Certainly not. There's Gail. 

Vance. Gail? What's a Gail? 

Don. Not a what — a she. A perfectly delightful she. 
Just out of college and an A. B. 

Vance (couucally). Good night! Where's my hat. I'm 
going home. 

Don. But your promise — 

Vance. Tell them I've caught the hydrophobia or some- 
thing. Make my excuses. 

Don. Hold on. Gail is a dear. She's Margaret's cousin. 



PARLOR MATCHES. 19 

Vance. But an A. B. How can I talk a whole afternoon 
to an A. B-. ? I can't talk Greek or Latin. 

Don. Please, Vance. You promised, you know. If yon 
don't stay, it will break up the whole party. 

Vance. Are you sure she's good looking? 

Don. Well, I haven't seen her, but I'm pretty sure she is. 
You wait here a moment and I'll find Margaret. She's prob- 
ably in the garden. (Exit R.) 

Vance. Wait a minute. Don't leave me alone. I'm going 

Enter Abigail from C. 

Abigail. Good morning, sir. 

Vance. Good morning. I've left my hat outside. That 
is, I — 

Abigail. Oh, I believe I've scared you. You musn't be 
afraid of me. You see, I just arrived. 

Vance. Did you have a pleasant journey ? 

Abigail. Oh, yes, indeed, sir. It was most salubrious. 

Vance. Good morning! (Starts up.) Tell them I was 
called away. 

Abigail. You seem in a dreadful hurry. I won't bite 
you. 

Vance. No, you won't. That's a fact ; you won't. I un- 
derstand you're just out of college. 

Abigaij.. Yes. From the Splinterville Normal. I took 
magna cum laude last week. 

Vance. Have you quite recovered ? Not contagious, is it ? 

Abigail. I think you're the funniest man ! You act so 
frightened. I'm only little Abigail. 

Vance. Abigail ! Yes, I thought you were. I'm obliged 
to go. Awfully sorry, you know. Symptoms of hydropho- 
bia coming on. 

Abigail. Hydrophobia? Is the man mad? 

Vance. That's it. Just like a dog. Sometimes I bark. 
Bow-wow-wow ! Tell them that I was suddenly seized and 
cannot possibly stay for the picnic. Good morning! (Quick 
exit at C.) 

Abigail. Poor fellow. He's quite mad, I know. And so 
good looking, too. Looks just like Adrian Lee in the 



20 PARiOR MATC?IES. 

movies. Oh, Adrian, Adrian, I wonder if I'll ever behold 
you in the flesh ! 

Enter Suzanne from R. 

Suzanne. Good morning. 

Abigail. Good morning. I'm the new maid. Abigail 
Mullen. I'm all ready to begin work. 

Suzanne. We were so afraid you weren't coming. Come 
with me, I'll show you to the kitchen. I'm Miss Seltoon. 
This way, please. (Exit L.) 

Abigail. Yes, miss ; I'm coming. (Exit L.) 

Enter Mrs. Seltoon from C, followed by Gail. 

Mrs. S. Come in, Gail. You know this is your home 
now. You musn't stand on ceremony with us. 

Gail. Thank you, Aunt Laura. 

Mrs. S. Your mother was my favorite sister, you know. 
And how much you do resemble her. Can you remember 
her at all, Gail? (Dozvn R. C.) 

Gail. Just a sweet, kind face with soft gray hair, parted 
in the middle, and tender loving arms and the dearest eyes 
in the world. That's all I remember. I was only three 
when she died. (Dozvn C.) 

Mrs. S. You shall be one of my own daughters, dear. 

Gail {throwing her arms around her). Oh, thank you! 

Mrs. S. Careful. {Arranges dress.) We are to have 
company for lunch. 

Gail. Oh, I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. S. We must arrange for your debut at once. Both 
of the girls are engaged. Margaret is to be married in June 
and Suzanne late in the fall. {Sits at R.) 

Gail. Two weddings? Won't that be glorious? But 
aren't you awfully sorry to lose both of them. Aunt Laura? 

Mrs. S. Sorry? The idea! Why, they are making the 
best matches of the season. There isn't a mother in my 
set who isn't perfectly wild with jealousy. Margaret is 
marrying into the Radey family, positively the oldest in 
this part of the country, you know, and Suzanne is engaged 
to Ferdinand Poppleton, old P. J.'s son, you know. 



PARLOR MATCHES. 21 

Gail. But you'll be so lonesome without them. 

Mrs. S. How absurd. Mr. Seltoon and I are going to 
travel on the continent. And you shall go with us ; that is, 
if you are not engaged by that time. 

Gail. Engaged? I? {Laughs.) How funny! 

Mrs. S. There is only one other eligible bachelor here. 
He is visiting Mr. Radey. You must meet him. His name 
is Trelford. Vance Trelford. His father is in oil and 
vinegar. 

Gail. In oil and vinegar? {Laughs.) What for? 

Mrs. S. {patiently). I mean he is a wholesale merchant 
dealing in oil and vinegar. 

Gail. Oh, I thought oil and vinegar was a new kind of 
a bath. 

Mrs. S. They are fearfully wealthy. Vance is in the 
produce business. He'll be over for luncheon. He'd be a 
most excellent parti, my dear ; most excellent. 
, Gail. But isn't it a little sudden. Aunt Laura? 

Mrs. S. Not at all. I believe in wasting no time. We 
could have Angot make three trousseaux, as well as two. 
And think of the economy. Let me see. You are over 
nineteen, aren't you? 

Gail. Nineteen and two months. 

Mrs. S. Precisely. Just the proper age. And you have 
really good features, my dear. I am sure Mr. Trelford will 
be enchanted. I believe in girls marrying young, don't you ? 
(Rises and crosses to L.) 

Gail. I've never thought much about it. 

Mrs. S. You had better go now. I'll have Jorkes show 
you to your room. We have a new maid today and she's 
not accustomed to the house yet. I want you to look your 
best. Nothing like first impressions, you know. . I must 
see the cook about the lunch. Excuse me. {Exits L.) 

Enter Margaret frovi R. 

Margaret. You dear! It's just like finding a long lost 
sister to have you live with us, Gail, It's like a moving- 
picture play. {Puts arm around Gail.) 

Gail. Are you fond of the movies? 



22 PA*kLOR MATCHES. 

Margaret. Just dote on them. Don and I go every week. 

Gail. Don ? 

Margaret. Yes. Mr. Radey, you know. 

Gail. Oh, what a pretty ring". (Pause.) Don? 

Margaret. Yes. He's a perfect dear. We're to be mar- 
ried in June. And live in the suburbs. The dearest little 
house. Four rooms and a porch. Don is so fond of a porch. 

Enter Suzanne from R. 

Suzanne (coming dozvn R.). Is he coming? 

Margaret (down C). He? Who? 

Suzanne. Why, Mr. Trelford. 

Margaret. Don said he would do his best to bring him. 

Suzanne (to Gail, zvho is down L.). We're going to 
have another guest for dinner. Vance Trelford from New 
York. He's Don's cousin and is visiting him. 

Margaret. Don says he's awfully handsome. 

Suzanne. And he has just oodles and oodles of money. 

Margaret. And a seven passenger touring car. 

Suzanne. He is very wealthy. 

Margaret. You see his father — 

Gail (interrupting). Is in oil and vinegar. I've heard 
about him. Reminds one of a salad. Does he ever come out 
of oil and vinegar? 

Margaret. Oh, Gail, he isn't like that at all. I've seen 
the father and he's a perfect old dear. And he dresses 
lovely. 

Gail. Oh, a sort of oil and vinegar dressing? 

Suzanne. You shouldn't make fun of him. We've picked 
out the son for you. 

Margaret. Yes. You see he is Don's cousin — 

Suzanne. And Ferdy is awfully fond of him. 

Margaret. So you see how very congenial it will be. 
Sue is engaged to Ferdy. 

Suzanne. And Marge is engaged to Don. 

Margaret. And that will leave you and Mr. -Trelford to 
complete the sextette. 

Suzanne. Just think of the fun we'll have. Ferdy says 



PARLOR MATCHES. 23 

that Vance Trelford is one of the finest fellows he has ever 
seen. 

Margaret. And Don is completely wrapped up in him. 
Just wait till you see him ; that's all. 

Suzanne. Oh, I've forgotten all about Ferdy. I left him 
in the summer-house imploring the walls to fall on him. 
He's rehearsing for a play. I'll gather some roses for lunch. 
(Exits R.) 

Margaret. I have to make the salad. 

Gail. Oh, let me help you. I just love to make salad. 

Margaret. All right. Here, slip on this apron. You 
mustn't soil your gown. Now, come along. 

TJiey start tozvard L. but arc intercepted by Jorkes, ivho 
enters from L. 

JoRKES. Excuse me. Miss Margaret, but your mother is 
a wanting of you immediate. Hupstairs, miss. Something 
habout her toilette, miss. 

Margaret. I'll be right down again. (Exits R.) 

Gail (at C). Will you kindly show me to the kitchen? 

JoRKES (mistaking her for the maid). Yes, of course. 
In a minute. I began to think you wasn't coming at all 
today. 

Gail. Yon, did? 

JoRKES. Yes. I was that worried that I nearly choked. 
With seven for lunch in the bargaiiL 

Gail. I don't understand you. 

JoRKES. Ho, don't put on high and mighty airs. They 
won't go with me, my lady. We might as well be sociable, 

Gail. Sociable? 

JoRKES. Of course. When there ain't no one around, we 
can do and say as we please. Come on and I'll interduce 
you to the cook and the chaufifeur. Him being a French 
gentleman by extinction. Tonight we'll all take in the 
movies and see Adrian Lee. It's our evening out. (Exit R.) 

Gail. He must have taken me for the maid. How funny. 
(Laughs.) 

Enter Poppleton from R. 

Popp (stndying his lines from book). "Fall. O walls and 



24 PARLOR MATCHES. 

crush me ! Down, O skies, and bury me beneath your azure 
deeps!" 

Gail. I beg your pardon. 

Popp (to audience). The new maid! {To Gail). Oh, 
hello. Awfully glad to see you, little one. 

Gail (distantly) . How do you do. 

Popp. I'm a friend of the family, you know. That is, 
a sort of relation. 

Gail (aside). Oil and vinegar! Impossible to disguise 
them. And this is the man they've picked out for me. 

Popp. I bid you welcome to our little city. 

Gail. You are very kind. 

Popp. Always kind to a pretty girl like you are, my dear. 

Gail. If you'll excuse me, I'll send Mrs. Seltoon to you. 

Popp. I don't want Mrs. Seltoon. I'm quite content as I 
am. Has the young lady visitor arrived yet? 

Gail. The young lady visitor? 

Popp. Yes. Miss College Graduate who talks Greek and 
whistles in Spanish. I'm to take her in to lunch. But, be- 
lieve me, I'd rather stay and talk to you. Honest, I would. 

Gail. I think she has arrived. (Starts to cross R.) 

Popp (intercepting her. She comes to C). Don't be in 
such a hurry, my dear. We are just beginning to get ac- 
quainted. Awfully pretty eyes you have, really, by George ! 

Gail. How dare you I 

Popp. Oh, don't be angry. No use getting angry, you 
know. It's only a little way I have. It is, really. (Tries 
to take her hand.) 

Gail. Oh, I'm not angry. I'm only amused. 

Popp (abashed). Amused? Oh, I say, now! 

Gail. But I must find Mrs. Seltoon. Excuse me. 
(Exits C.) 

Popp. Awfully queer parlor maid, that. I hope she keeps 
a close tongue. Deuced embarrassing to have a talkative 
maid, don't you know! (Exit R.) 

Gail (looking in C). He's gone. Thank goodness. So 
that's the eligible parti they've picked out for me, is it? 
Mr. Vance Trelford, I am very much afraid that you won't 
do. The impudence of him, and on our first meeting, too. 



PARLOR MATCHES. 25 

And we hadn't even been introduced! I'll have nothing to 
do with him. (Sits at table and takes up moving picture 
magazine and reads.) Mr. Adrian Lee, leading man of the 
Shamrock Company. What a handsome fellow ! Adrian 
Lee ! How very poetic ! 

Enter Margaret from R. 

Margaret. The new maid is making- the salad herself, 
Mamma thinks she is quite a treasure. Come, off with 
the apron. Don is here, and lunch is about ready. Mr. 
Trelford mustn't find you in an apron. 

Gail. It's perfectly immaterial how Mr. Trelford finds 
me. I don't think I'll go to the picnic this afternoon. 

Margaret. Not go? Why? 

Gail. Well, my fiance might not like it, you know. 

Margaret. Your fiance? Why, Gail, are you engaged, 
too? 

Gail. Oh, yes. I've been engaged for some time. 

Enter Mrs. Seltoon from R. follozved by Don. 

Mrs. S. Don, let me present my niece. Gail, this is Mr. 
Radey. 

Margaret (after Don a}id Gail Jiave bowed). Where's 
Mr. Trelford? 

Don. He couldn't stay — that is, he couldn't come. Case 
of sickness. Awfully sorry. 

Mrs. S. Sickness! Bosh! That man is too bashful to live. 

Margaret. Mamma, what do you think. Gail is engaged ! 

Mrs. S. {dozvn R.). Engaged? Gail engaged? Why, I 
never dreamed of such a thing. 

Margaret (up a little R. C). She just told me. 

Don (up R. C. zvith Margaret). Congratulations. 

Mrs. S. Why didn't you tell me, Gail? 

Gail (at C). You didn't ask me. 

Margaret. Is it a New York man? 

Gail (hesitates). Yes, I believe so. That is, he's gener- 
ally in New York. He travels, you know. From place to 
place. 

Mrs. S. Where did you meet him? (Seated dozvn R.) 



26 PARLOR MATCHES. 

Gail (at C). Let me see — where did I meet him? It 
was so long ago, and I'm such a poor hand at remembering 
little things like that. 

Margaret. It must have been while you were at school. 

Gail. Yes, it was. At the annual dance two years ago. 
Oh, he's a perfect dear. He has the loveliest eyes. 

Mrs. S. And what is his name, dear? 

Gail. His name? Oh, yes — his name. His name is Lee. 
Adrian Lee. 

Don. What! Not Adrian Lee! 

Gail. Yes, Adrian Lee. 

Margaret. Not the Adrian Lee? The moving picture 
star? 

Gail. Yes. That's the man. But he comes from a per- 
fectly lovely family. His father wanted him to go into busi- 
ness, but he decided to become an artist. 

Don. Great day ! He's here ! Here in town. 

Gail (zveakly). Here? In town? Oh, impossible. 

Don. Not at all. But he never told me he was engaged. 
What do you think of that? 

Mrs. S. Do you know him, Don? 

Don. Of course I do. Intimately. 

Mrs. S. We must invite him over to dinner tonight. 

Don. Yes. Come, Mrs. Seltoon, let's telephone him. He 
tried to keep it a secret from me. Oh, wait till I see him, 
that's all. Come. (Exits L. foUoived by Mrs. S.) 

Margaret (hastening to Gail). What is it, Gail? You 
look ill. 

Gail (rallying) . It's nothing. I didn't know he was here. 

Margaret. The surprise is too much for you. 

Gail. Yes, I think it is. 

Enter Suzanne and Poppleton from R. They come 
dozv7i L. 

Suzanne. Gail, let me introduce Mr. Poppleton. 

Gail. Mr. Poppleton? I took him for Mr. Trelford. 

Popp. Is this your cousin? 

Suzanne. Of course. 

Pop? (sinking in chair at L. and fanning himself, speaks 



r 



PARLOR MATCHES. 27 

dramatically). I took her for the new maid. "Fall, O 
walls and crush me ! Down, O skies, and bury me be- 
neath your azure deeps !" 

(Suzanne is fanning Popp. at L. Gail stands C, look- 
ing at him and laughing. Margaret at R. C. a little up 
stage, watching them curiously.) 

Curtain. 



Act II. 



Same set as Act I. Lights arc lit and lighted candelabra 
add to the effect. Large jars of red roses dress stage. Be- 
fore curtain rises Gail {or Suzanne) is heard singing a 
popular sentimental song. The curtain slozvly rises and the 
singing continues. Gail and Suzanne discovered up L. at 
piano. {If it is not possible to have a piano on the stage, 
use a guitar.) Mrs. S. dozvn R. seated at table and looking 
at magazine through lorgnette. Don and Margaret dozvn 
L. engaged in pantomimic conversation. 

After the curtain is zvell up and the song is finished 
Mrs. S. speaks. 

Mrs. S. Here's his picture in the picture magazine. I 
must say he looks rather distinguished. 

Margaret. Distinguished? I should think so. He's the 
most popular hero in America. 

Suzanne. He has the dearest eyes. 

Mrs. S. Have you seen him? 

Suzanne. Have I? Dozens and dozens of times. I al- 
ways go to the Adrian Lee matinees. 

Margaret. I'm perfectly wild to see him face to face. 
Does he look just like he does on the screen, Don? 

Don. Just about. 

Mrs. S. Are you sure he is coming, Don? 

Don. Oh. yes, indeed. (Gail looks distressed.) 

Mrs. S. I hope he won't disappoint us like your Mr. 
Trelford did. 

Suzanne. Of course he won't. He knows Gail is here. 



28 PAiiLOR MATCHES. 

{To Gail.) It seems so strange to think that you are en- 
gaged to a moving picture star. 

Gail. Yes, it does seem strange, doesn't it? 

Suzanne. Does he make love in real life with as much 
fascination as he does on the screen? 

Gail. Yes, I think so. 

Margaret. You ought to be the happiest girl in all the 
world, Gail. 

Gail. Ought I ? I wonder. 

Suzanne. And I am the most miserable. {Comes to C.) 

Gail. Miserable? Why, what has happened to you? 

Suzanne. It's Mr. Poppleton. 

All. Mr. Poppleton? 

Mrs. S. Suzanne, have you and Ferdy been quarreling? 

Suzanne. Please don't speak to me of Mr. Poppleton. 
I am very much disappointed in him. In fact I think I'll 
break the engagement tonight. 

Mrs. S. Break the engagement? Why, what has he done? 

Suzanne. I don't know. But I'm sure it's something 
awful. I had my fortune told this afternoon at Beth Wil- 
son's and she told me that a light complected man was 
deceiving me. I know it's true. She told it by the cards 
and by tea grounds and in the palm of my hand. Ferdy 's 
been deceiving me. I'm sure of it. 

Mrs. S. Nonsense. Beth Wilson gossips entirely too 
much. She tells the same fortunes to every one. 

Suzanne. She's aroused my suspicions, nevertheless. I 
mean to have a straightforward talk with Mr. Poppleton, 
and if what she said is true, he may have his old ring and 
I'll be an old maid all my life. 

Margaret. Beth Wilson told me the same thing. It's 
all in fun. 

Suzanne. That's very easy for you to say when Don's 
hair is dark. It doesn't make any difference to you how 
many light complected men are deceiving you. But Ferdy 
is light-headed. 

Mrs. S. And so are you, if you take any stock in Beth 
Wilson's fortunes. 



PARLOR MATCHES. 29 

Don. Why, it's simply absurd, Suzanne. I'm sure Ferdy 
never looks at any other girl. 

Suzanne. I'm not sure. I mean to find out, though, this 
very night. ^„^^,. Abigail from L. 

Arigail (at R. C). I beg your pardon, Mrs. Seltoon, 
for presuming to intrude, but, if you have no objection, I'd 
like to go out. 

Mrs. S. Certainly, Abbie. This is your evening out. 

Abigail. I'm going to attend a lecture on "The Longi- 
tudinal Vibrations of a Rubber String." at the Association. 
It's a rare opportunity to improve one's mind, as it were, 
and I'd rather not neglect it. 

Mrs. S. Jorkes can attend to the guests. 

Abigail. Thank you, ma'am. I can stay here, if you 
think it is best. I have no direct engagement, you under- 
stand. Just a tacit agreement. 

Mrs. S. You may go at eight. After we've gone in. 

Abigail. Very well, ma'am. That suits me perfectly. 

Mrs. S. Tell Jorkes that we will dine at eight. 

Abigail. Yes, Mrs. Seltoon. I understand perfectly and 
will execute your orders with avidity and dispatch, as it 
were. (Exit L.) 

Margaret. Wherever does she pick up those words? 

Suzanne. Hush! She's a graduate. A magna cum laude 
A. B. from the Splinterville Normal School. (Cross to L.) 
Enter Jorkes frovi C. 

Jorkes (standing b\ door, announces) . Mr. Poppleton. 
(Exit C.) 

Suzanne. It's Ferdy. Now leave us alone together for 
a while. I'll find out what Beth Wilson meant by a light 
complected man deceiving me. Run away, all of you. 

Margaret. Come, Don, I want to show you the view 
from the veranda. (Exit R. follozved by Don.) 

Mrs. S. (rises). Come, Gail, we'd better leave them alone. 
Suzanne will never be satisfied until she has tried Ferdy 
and calmed her suspicions. Come! (Exit L. followed by 
Gail.) 

Suzanne (seated at L.). I'll sit here and pretend not 



30 pXrlor matches. 

to see him. (Rises.) No, I'll stand here and receive him 
with a frigidity that will make him shrivel into nothing. 

Enter Poppleton from C. He comes doivn to Suzanne. 

Popp. Suzanne ! 

Suzanne. Miss Seltoon, if you please, Mr. Poppleton. 

Popp. Why, what's the matter? 

Suzanne. You should ask your conscience. 

Popp. I don't understand. What have I done? {Plead- 
ingly.) What has Ferdy done? Tell me, Suzanne! 

Suzanne. It's a lucky thing for you that my father is in 
Bermuda, Mr. Poppleton, and that I haven't any brothers. 
I wonder that you have the effrontery to come here tonight. 

Popp. But — but — I don't know what you are talking 
about. Is it a joke? 

Suzanne. A joke? A joke? You call a girl's broken 
heart a joke, do you? I am glad you are here, for now I can 
tell you what I think of your conduct. Now I can return 
your letters. I have them in my room. Four piles tied with 
green ribbon. And all your presents tied with lemon. To- 
morrow I shall expect you to return mine to me. 

Popp {ivith dignity). Certainly, if you so desire, Miss 
Seltoon. Perhaps I had better relieve you of my presence. 

Suzanne. I'll send the maid upstairs for them. 

Popp. I was not referring to my gifts. I was referring 
to my presence. 

Suzanne. You shall have both your gifts and your 
presents. 

Popp. I think I'd better go. 

Suzanne. Yes, and create a scene at the dinner party. 
I mean to stand you for tonight, at least. 

Popp. Very kind, I'm sure. 

Suzanne. For the sake of my family, I'll conceal my 
breaking heart within a mask of smiles. For Gail's sake. 
She's going to announce her engagement tonight. Oh, I 
hope it won't turn out like mine has. {Turns on him.) And 
as for you, Mr. Ferdinand Poppleton, after tonight I never 
want you to presume to speak to me again. 

Popp. I suppose you won't tell me what I have done? 



PARLOR AIATCTIES. 31 

Suzanne. Ask your conscience! Let that tell you what 
you have done. 

Popp. {tearful voice). And you mean — that this is the 
end — of our engagement. That it is all over? Oh, Suzanne, 
you can't mean that. 

Suzanne {crying). Yes, I do mean it. 

Popp. And all for such a very little thing, too. 

Suzanne {looks up suspiciously). Oh, there zvas a little 
thing, then ? 

Popp {dramatically). I understand what has happened. 
I have a rival. Tell me who he is. Pm a desperate man, 
Suzanne Seltoon. Pll have his heart's blood. Who is he? 
Pm a desperate man. 

Suzanne. There is no one. After my experience with 
you, I never want to see any other man. Pve done with 
men forever! 

Popp. And just because I — (pauses). I suppose all this 
row is over what happened this morning. 

Suzanne. See ! He admits it ! Something happened this 
morning. Beth Wilson was right. 

Popp. It wasn't my fault at all. I was entirely blameless 
in the matter. 

Suzanne. A likely story. Well, who zvas to blame? 

Popp. Abigail. 

Suzanne. Abigail? The maid? Oh. Pll have her dis- 
charged at once. 

Popp. Not the maid, your cousin Abigail. 

Suzanne. Gail? Why, that's absurd. She's engaged to 
Adrian Lee. 

Popp. She may be, but it didn't prevent her from smiling 
very winningly at me this morning. But I didn't smile back. 
Never. I was firm ; firm as the Rock of Prudential — I mean 
Gibraltar. 

Suzanne. You've been flirting — and with my own cousin, 
too. (She walks angrily across stage.) Oh, this is too much. 

Popp. (follozving her unth short steps). But, Suzanne, 
listen to me. Listen to Ferdy! 

Suzanne (still zvalking). Don't speak to me! Don't ever 
speak to me again! 



32 Parlor afatches. 

Popp (standing at C. Turning suddenly she bumps into 
him). Very well. As you will, Miss Seltoon. As you will! 
You've broken my heart by your heartless suspicions. I'll 
enlist in the army. The recruiting officer is in town and 
I'll be the next recruit. I'll go to the front. I'll fight for my 
country. I'll die for my country! {Dramatically.) 

Suzanne {alarmed). Oh, Ferdy! 

Popp. And you will come and take a long, last farewell 
look at the fallen hero, wrapped in the bloody battle flag 
that he gave his life to save! 

Suzanne (sobbing). Oh, Ferdy, Ferdy, I can't stand it 
at all. (She approaches him and tries to take his arm. He 
wai'es her azvay.) 

Popp. Away, woman. False, fair woman, away! You 
have broken my heart once already. 

Suzanne (quiet sobs). But — I didn't mean to, Ferdy. 
Beth Wilson told me that a light complected man was de- 
ceiving me ! But I don't believe a word of it. Don't, don't 
enlist in the army ! Oh, that would be awful ! 

Popp. (dramatically). You have gone too far. It has all 
gone too far. You told me never to speak to you again. 
You return my letters and my presents, you accuse me of 
flirting. Very well, it shall be as you wish. (Gets hat.) I 
won't even stay for dinner. Tomorrow I'll return the green 
and orange tie you knit for me, and the handkerchiefs, and 
the pink satin suspenders! I'd return the box of cigars, but 
they're smoked. It shall be as you say! Farewell, farewell, , 
forever! (Starts to C. D. melodramatically.) 

Suzanne (rushing up to C. D. and standing in front of 
it zuith outspread arms). You shan't go. You shan't leave: 
me like this. (Holds out hands imploringly tozvard him.) 
Ferdy, Ferdy, don't you care for me any longer? 

Popp. (dramatically). Care for you? Care for you?" 
There has never been any other woman for me in all the ' 
world. I have loved you always and will always love you i 
till I die. (Change to natural z'oice.) Honest, I will. 

Suzanne. Can — can — you ever forgive me? 

Popp. I can try. (She starts tozvard him. He zvaz'es her' 



PARLOR MATCHES. 33 

hack.) Wait! Promise me that you'll never suspect me 



agam 



Suzanne. Never! 

Popp. Then I'll forgive you. 

Suzanne. Ferdy! (Slic runs toward him as:) 

Enter JoRKES from C. 

JORKES (sta>id{}ig by door, announces:) Mr. Adrian Lee! 
(Exit C.) 

Suzanne. It's the hero! The moving picture star. 

Popp. Let's run. Out on the veranda. 

Suzanne. This way. Come on. (She runs out R. fol- 
lowed by Popp.) 

Enter Vance from C. 

Vance. I thought I heard some one in here. I hope I 
haven't spoiled a tet-a-tete. 

Enter Abigail front L. wearing cloak and hat. 

Abigail. Oh. excuse me. I wasn't aware that this room 
was occupied. (Giggles.) 

Vance. Good evening. 

Abigail. Those eyes. That nose ! Adrian Lee. It's him 
— I mean it's he ! 

Vance. At your service. 

Abigail. You are Adrian Lee, aren't you? 

Vance. I think you should know. My cousin says that 
you are engaged to me. 

Abigail. Engaged to you? Me? I mean, I? Oh, my heart, 
my heart! (Hands clasped orer heart.) 

Vance. You're Miss Abigail, aren't you? 

Abigail. Yes, sir. I'm her — I mean. I am she. And for 
many months I have worshipped you from afar, as it were, 
just like the moth and the star. I wrote you letters. Sev- 
enty-two. And sent you three boxes of fudge and two 
bunches of spring beauties. Oh. Mr. Lee, Mr. Adrian Lee, 
I never miss you when you play in Splinterville. You've 
always been my favorite hero, as it were. 

Vance. But what I am interested in is this engagement. 
I understand that you have announced it to your family. 



34 PARLOR MATCHES. 

Abigail. Engagement? To my family? Oh, sir, there's 
been some fatal mistake, I do much fear. Probably you 
don't feel well. This June heat is awful. Sit down and be 
seated and I'll get you some ice water. 

Vance. Nonsense. I am as well as you are. Come, to 
the point! What does all this nonsense about an engage- 
ment mean? 

Abigail. Honest, you'd better sit down and rest a spell. 
You've got engaged so much in the pictures that it's touched 
your brain, as it were, sir! I've seen you propose in white 
flannels, in feathers, in full evening clothes, in a sailor suit 
and in the garbage of a monk, and every time you've won 
her in the end. 

Vance. But your announcement to my cousin and to 
your family this morning has caused me no little worry. 
Honest, Miss Laurence I can't make head or tail of it. 

Abigail. Miss Laurence? I ain't Miss Laurence. I mean, 
I'm not Miss Laurence. I'm Miss Mullen. Miss Laurence 
is Mrs. Seltoon's niece. I'm her maid. 

Vance. Her maid? I'm afraid I have made a mistake. 

Abigail. That's what I was afraid of from the very first. 
But, Mr. Lee, are you engaged to Miss Laurence? 

Vance. I believe it was announced this morning. 

Abigail. Oh, sorrowful, sorrowful day! (Talking and 
laughing off R.) Some one is coming. I must away, Mr. 
Lee. I'm going to the movies and watch you make love; 
once more. Oh, Mr. Lee, Mr. Adrian Lee, the saddest 
words of tongue or pen are them sad words, "It might 
have been." Adieu, adieu, adieu! (Crosses to C. entrance, 
turns, looks at him, long sigh ivith hand over heart. Exit C.^ 

Vance. So she's not Miss Laurence, after all. Thank 
heaven for that ! 

Enter Gail from L. She meets him at C. zvalking slowly: 

Gail. Mr. Lee? 

Vance. Yes. 

Gail. I am Miss Laurence. 

Vance. Pleased, I'm sure. 



PARLOR MATCHES. 35 

Gail. How can I ever explain matters to you? How can 
I apologize? 

Vance. Oh, don't worry about it? 

Gail. Worry? Worry? I've cried all tiie afternoon. 

Vance. Oh. I'm awfully sorry. 

Gail. It all started in a joke. Just a silly schoolgirl's 
joke. Oh, I'm so ashamed of myself, Mr. Lee. What must 
you think of me ? 

Vance. I simply don't understand ; that's all. 

Gail. It was all about that odious Mr. Trelford. I wish 
he was in oil and vinegar along with his father. 

Vance {astonished). About Mr. Trelford? What has 
he done? 

Gail. They all insisted on my being nice to him. And 
I was going to do it, just to oblige them. Then I met him, 
and he was perfectly horrid. He tried to flirt with me. And 
we hadn't even been introduced ! 

Vance. Flirt with you? Mr. Trelford tried to flirt with 
you ? 

Gail. Oh, it turned out that it wasn't Mr. Trelford at 
all. It was Mr. Poppleton. I see you don't understand a 
word I am saying. How can you? I scarcely understand 
it myself. You see, I just came this morning and Mr. Pop- 
pleton mistook me for the new maid, and acted perfectly 
awful. 

Vance. But why do you blame Mr. Trelford? 

Gail. It all started over him. 

Vance. But it wasn't his fault really. And yet you said 
he was odious, and wished he was pickled in oil and vinegar. 

Gail. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Really, I didn't 
mean it. I'm so excited that I hardly know what I a;;; 
saying. So after my scene with Mr. Poppleton I decided 
that I never wanted to see Mr. Trelford, if he was a man like 
that, flirting with a maid, you know. 

Vance. So in order to escape meeting Mr. Trelford — 

Gail. I told them that I was engaged to you. Absurd, 
wasn't it? I saw your name and picture in the magazine, 
and I never dreamed that I'd meet you. All I wanted was 
to keep Mr. Trelford away. So I said I was engaged. Then 



36 PAtflLOR MATCHES. 

they insisted on his name — and there wasn't any him. So I 
just said the first name that popped into my head, and it 
liappened to be you. Oh, I am so ashamed ! 

Vance. It was only natural. Don't worry. We won't 
think any more about it. 

Gail. But we'll have to. This dinner party tonight ! 
There is only one thing left for me to do. I must confess 
everything. 

Vance. Oh, I say! 

Gail. I lied to them, and I'll tell them so. That will be 
my punishment. (Starts tozvard L.) 

Vance. Wait a bit. Isn't there an easier way out of it 
than that? 

Gail. No, I must tell the truth. I suppose there will be 
no avoiding Mr. Trelford then? 

Vance. Why do you wish to avoid him? You've never 
seen him. Maybe you'll like him when you do. 

Gail. Do you know him? {SJw sits at L. He at R.) 

Vance. Oh, yes ; intimately. 

Gail. Is he nice? 

Vance. Well — (hesitates). 

Gail. You hesitate. I know he isn't; I just know it! 

Vance. I didn't say he wasn't nice. I'm sure some folks 
think he is. 

Gail. Would I think so? 

Vance. How can I tell? 

Gail. After my confession tonight I'm afraid I won't 
be able to resist Aunt Laura. I suppose I'll be engaged 
before the summer is over. 

Vance. To whom? 

Gail. To Mr. Trelford of course. There seems to be 
no one else. 

Vance. Maybe you'll learn to like him, after all. 

Gail. Oh, I won't, I won't, I won't! Oh, I wish I'd never 
come to Dovecote. (Half cries.) I wish I were back in 
school again ! Oh, why did I ever say that I was engaged ? 

Vance (suddenly). I have it! 

Gail (looks up from her seat ttnth tilted face). Have 
what ? 



PARLOR MATCHES. 37 

Vance. An easy way out of the whole matter. You 
needn't make a public confession, after all. 

Gail (rises excitedly). I needn't? What must I do? 

Vance (rises and faces her nonchalantly) . Simply tell 
them that we have quarreled and that you have broken your 
engagement. 

Gail (rushes to him and seices both his hands). Oh, you 
darling! (Pause. She realizes n'hat she has said. She 
drain's azvay from him.) Oh, what will you think of me? 
How could I ? I didn't mean it, really, I didn't. 

Vance. Of course you didn't. You only acted on the 
spur of the moment. 

Gail. Yes, that was it. Oh, why will I be so impulsive? 

Vance. Shall we call them in and tell them that the en- 
gagement is broken? 

Gail. Just as you say. 

Vance. We must work up a furious quarrel. You pre- 
tend that you are awfully jealous of Miss Neville. 

Gail. Miss Neville? But I don't know any Miss Neville. 

Vance. She's the leading lady of our company. Betty 
Neville of the Shamrock Company. You can say that you 
heard I was in love with her. 

Gail (innocently). Are you? 

Vance. Not in the least. 

Gail. Then how can I say that you are? I'm not a born 
deceiver, Mr. Lee. 

Vance. Well, we'll leave Miss Neville out of it. Just say 
we quarreled. 

Gail. But we haven't quarreled. 

Vance. Nor are we engaged. But they think we are. 
We must tell them that the engagement is broken. And T 
have a confession to make. ( 

Gail. A confession? Oh, I'm so glad that someone else 
has to confess something. 

Vance. My real name isn't Adrian Lee. 

Gail. It isn't? (Pause.) Oh, then you are not Adrian 
Lee? 

Vance. Only after a fashion. It's a stage name. It looks 
well on the films. 



38 PARLOR MATCHES. 

Gail. Then if yon are not Adrian Lee, there is no Adrian 
Lee. He is merely hypothetical- And I have a perfect right 
to be engaged to a hypothetical man, if I want to. That's 
logic ! 

Vance. But I aiu Adrian Lee. 

Gail. Nonsense. You certainly are not. I think I am in 
a position to know. Why, I'm engaged to Adrian Lee. I 
met him at our college annual two years ago. He's a per- 
fect dear and has the loveliest eyes ! 

Vance. I see. You are going to tell them that I'm an 
impostor. 

Gail. You admit yourself that you aren't Adrian Lee. 

Vance. But my cousin knows I am. 

Gail. Your cousin ? 

Vance. Yes. Mr. Radey. 

Gail (staring at Jiiiu). Mr. Radey your cousin. (Hor- 
rified.) Then — you are — you are Vance Trelford. 

Vance. Entirely at your service. 

Gail (sinks in chair). Oh, go away. I can't stand any 
more. I'm beginning to forget what my own name is. Oh, 
why did I ever leave the quiet of a peaceful college to come 
here to this Cupid's Paradise? Well, that settles the mat- 
ter. I won't be engaged to you at all ! 

Vance. You won't. 

Gail. Oh, I know that you haven't asked me yet, but 
you know how I feel about it before hand. And now having 
humiliated ^me as much as possible — 

Vance. I understand. I'll go. 

Gail. What good will that do? I'll have to meet you 
tomorrow. 

Vance. I'll leave town. 

Gail. Oh, you mustn't do that on my account. 

Vance (suddenly). I have it. 

Gail. Again? What is it? 

Vance (ratJier slowly). Why, you knew all along that 
Adrian Lee and Vance Trelford were one and the same 
person. 

Gail. Did I? 

Vance. Of course you did. You just wanted to surprise 



PARLOR MATCHES. 29 

the family. We've been engaged, but we've just had a 
dreadful quarrel and the engagement is broken. You 
broke it. 

Gail. I didn't. You broke it yourself. 

Vance. Very well, then, I broke it. Anyhow, it's broken. 

Gail. You seem mighty glad that it is. 

Vance. Aren't you? 

Gail (hastily). Oh, yes, of course I auL But, really, 
you shouldn't be so glad. 

Vance. I'll leave at once. You can explain matters. 
Tomorrow I'll go to New York and you'll be rid of Adrian 
Lee and the odious Vance Trelford forever! 

Enter Mrs. Seltoon from L. 

Mrs. S. I beg your pardon, but dinner is about to be 
served. 

Gail (hesitates a moment, then takes Vance by the hand 
and comes slozvly to Mrs. S.). Aunt Laura, I want you to 
meet Mr. Lee, better known in Dovecote as Mr. Vance 
Trelford. 

Mrs. S. Vance Trelford! How very astonishing! 

Gail. Isn't it. I thought you would be surprised. 

Vance. I'm afraid I can't stop to your dinner party. 
Mrs. Seltoon — 

Gail. Nonsense. He thought he had another engage- 
ment, but he hasn't. 

Enter Suzanne, Poppleton, Margaret and Don from R. 

Vance. But, really, you know — 

Mrs. S. Don't be absurd. Dinner is about to be served. 
This is your announcement dinner, you know. 
Vance. Yes, but we've had the most dreadful — 
Gail. Girls, I want you to meet Mr. Lee, my fiance ! 

Enter Jorkes from L. 

JoRKES. Dinner is served. 

Mrs. S. Don, take Gail. Ferdy, you and the girls. Your 
arm, Mr. Trelford. 

Vance. Yes, but we've had the most dreadful — 



40 PARLOR MATCHES. 

Mrs. S. You take me in. I am honoring the new Benedict. 

Don {shakes hands with Vance). By Jove, Vance, this 
is a surprise. I never dreamed that you were engaged. 

Vance. I never dreamed it myself. 

Don. Come, Miss Laurence, Vance is the finest fellow 
in the world. 

Gail. I'm begining to think he is. ( They cross to door L.) 

Ferdy {coming C. zvith Suzanne and Margaret). Aw- 
fully jolly, you know. Now we're all engaged. {Face left 
as if going to dinner.) 

Mrs. S. Well, I must say that this was sooner than I 
expected. But I expected it all along. 

Vance. A"es, I begin to think I did myself. {They 
face L.) 

Curtain. 



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Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

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For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
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Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
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I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
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Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

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Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

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Pooh Bah of Peacetowny 35 min. 2 2 
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tN tflis Series 
-*- are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils.* 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

\'ery clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens, 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 vears of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful, 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of master minds. 



The Poetical Entertainer. 

For reading or speaking. 
Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire, funny poems. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 14 Nos., per No. 25c. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches, 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book, 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidavs. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. • 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burn,t Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large llCustrated Catalogue Free 



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T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



